anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
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Noah
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”