Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
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I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.