Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers