Worst perfume name ever.
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Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
huge if true: the moon
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.