me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
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SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Most fashion shows these days…
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel