Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
You Might Also Like
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree