My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
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My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
FINE, I WON’T.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Meow
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
My favorite female superhero
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off