Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
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Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting