Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
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I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Stop it! 😂
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
wut hotdog?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells