During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
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“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress