guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
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If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.