god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
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My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”