How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
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Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.