“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
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Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Who knew!
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”