I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
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[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
#catsoftwitter
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?