Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
wait.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out