Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
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“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
craving $300 all of a sudden
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
How did we not see this back then?
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Shoo shoo! 😂
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.