I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
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Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
*cough*