If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
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Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00