Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
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In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!