Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
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Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Meeeee too!
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Love is always patient and kind.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.