[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
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One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
This is amazing.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.