Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
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“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
The USS B port
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”