9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
You Might Also Like
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I like long walks away from everyone
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.