I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
my name if I was in the mob
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.