TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
These 3D printers are insane!
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?