kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
You Might Also Like
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.