Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
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Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.