[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
very niche meme I made
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.