A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
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Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
A classic…
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???