Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
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Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it