*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.