I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
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came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”