Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.