have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
You Might Also Like
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄