I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
You Might Also Like
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.