When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
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looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”