[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time