Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
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When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
#SaturdayBears
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?