I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I can also cook 😂
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
#inspiration #foodforthought
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.