“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
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I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out