what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
#CoronaOutbreak
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*