For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
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my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Ah yes. The three genders
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS