Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
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Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.