ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
You Might Also Like
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
This kid will have a bright future.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.