“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
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[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
time for some seasonal decor
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from