Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
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If I ignore life will it go away?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.