When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
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Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts