Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
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I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!