It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
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Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
You wish you had this many chins.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.